The Human Connection Zone
I grew up in Costa Rica and moved by myself back to the United States when I was sixteen years old. I remember being impacted by something I saw the first time I walked into my high school cafeteria. Everyone was seated at different tables clearly divided by race, religion, wealth, and levels of coolness. I was confused. My first impression of high school in America was a weird version of High School Musical meets Glee and Superbad.
The first question I asked myself was, am I supposed to sit at the table with all the kids who look like me? or can I sit anywhere else?
Growing up in a small country I never had to ask myself that question. In Costa Rica, everyone would hang out with everyone else regardless of their color or socioeconomic background.
That morning in that high school cafeteria I decided to sit at a table with kids who looked different from me.
Guess what happened?!
I ended up learning a lot from them, enriching my cultural awareness, and building great friendships that I treasure to this date.
They were regular people; just like me; with virtues, weaknesses, strengths, and challenges; just like me.
What a surprising finding, huh?
It's natural for people to lean towards people who look and act like them. I actually find it beautiful to see how that forms a diversity of cultures and communities everywhere I go.
It's okay for us to identify and label ourselves as being a part of A, B, and C groups. We are human and we need that sense of belonging to like-minded people.
What worries me is when we let those labels divide us from others. It worries me when we build imaginary walls and echo chambers between us and the people who are different from us. Keeping us from building great relationships with amazing humans.
There is a simple, but powerful word that I truly believe can build bridges with people. That word is connection. The reality is that in our digital age, we are all connected, but we are not connecting.
Brené Brown, in her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, has this beautifully written definition of connection:
“Connection is the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”
The distance from being a stranger to experiencing human connection takes significant courage. I have noticed a common denominator that keeps people from taking that step of courage toward connection with one another.
That common denominator is called fear.
We may have fear of opening our hearts to others.
We may have fear of being vulnerable.
We may have fear of losing an intellectual debate.
We may have fear of breaking power dynamics.
We may have fear of humbling ourselves against our egos.
We may have fear of proving our prejudices wrong.
We may have fear of __________.
Fear can be paralyzing, but you need to become fearless and break out of your comfort zone to connect with others.
Have conversations with people who are different from you. In that process of exploration and discomfort, we can all find things that we can relate to one another.
We will also find different struggles that we are facing in our lives.
That's the point where we can turn our human fears into human connections to help each other thrive and get through those struggles, together.
This is what I call: The Human Connection Zone.
I recently came back to San Francisco from solo traveling across East Asia. Solo traveling forced me to get out of my comfort zone to connect with people and find my way across villages in the Philippines, Indonesia, and Thailand, as well as the megacities of Tokyo, Kuala Lumpur, and Singapore.
I had to ask many questions to strangers, and in the middle of those questions we found the connection zone and I even made new friends. In some cases, the entire communication exchange was nonverbal, but a simple smile and simple gestures were enough to get in the human connection zone.
It takes guts to get to that point of vulnerability to open our hearts and humanize our interactions with others. After ~ 15 years of living in the United States, I have noticed that we often get too comfortable with our cliques of friends, and rarely take the initiative to have big talk instead of small talk with strangers.
Honestly, sometimes we don’t even feel connected with our group of friends, but we don’t say anything because we don’t want to get uncomfortable to find new and meaningful ways to connect. But I guarantee you that it feels amazing and humbling when you can connect at a deeper human level.
I want to encourage you to push yourself to go beyond talking about the weather to understanding interesting things about someone’s life:
What’s their family background?
Where did they grow up?
What’s something exciting going on in their life right now?
What are their aspirations in life?
What’s something they are struggling with right now?
What’s something they have changed their mind about recently?
What’s their secret talent?
You just need to be a little more curious and willing to open the doors of your heart and ears to listen to someone’s story. That’s why you have two ears, one mouth, and one big heart. You may or may not become besties and you may never see each other again, but both of you will be better for it.
Let's not make the same mistake that I saw in that high school cafeteria many years ago. Everyone seating in the same room, divided into different groups, with little understanding of who was in the room.
I have unfortunately continued to see this behavior in the corporate world. Many grown adults behave like outdated teenagers with one another. This hurts companies and hurts societies. Especially when you don’t even see leaders taking the initiative to find the human connection zone to understand how they can better help the people they serve.
We need to understand that we need each other. Especially those who are different from us. They challenge us, teach us, and make us better.
Sometimes stepping out of our comfort zone can give us a clearer view of the world where we live, who we are, and where we belong.
I would like to encourage you to be intentional about finding the human connection zone in your daily interactions.
Go listen to a stranger.
Let me know when you do. I would love to listen to your story too.
P.S. Here I am in Krabi, Thailand, with a group of strangers at the Aonang Elephant Sanctuary. We found the human connection zone by learning about elephants and by the end of this session, we were all taking silly pictures and learning about each other. I will treasure these memories forever!
